If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Wilt Chamberlin claims to have slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Chuck Norris can impregnate women with only a glance. He can also do this to men.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. His spelling checks itself.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Behind Chuck Norris' beard is another fist.

Chuck Norris played golf once, the ball he hit hasn't landed yet so technicaly he is still on the first hole.

Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the planet and slap himself in the back of the head.

If Chuck Norris was president, he wouldn't need the secret service saving us millions.

Chcuk Norris for President in 2012